How to Torture Zhang He
by Yue1234
Summary: Zhang He stole Zhen Ji's favorite hair piece to complete an outfit. Cao Pi and Xiahou Dun are forced to retrieve it. But they get in a little over their heads. Cao Pi and Xiahou Dun are out of character. Reviews appreciated!


_**Before you read this I want to let you know that Xiahou Dun and Cao Pi are REALLY out of character once you get further in. There is slight Sima Yi x Zhang He, but nothing overly romantic.**_

_**Disclaimer: Don't own any characters. **_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**…**_

Cao Pi.

The esteemed son of Lord Cao Cao and heir to the kingdom of Wei. Often a stern leader who can even be seen as cold at times. A very respected man.

Xiahou Dun.

The one-eyed warrior of Lord Cao Cao and a fierce warrior of Wei. He is often seen as a tall and intimidating man. Sometimes even considered scary.

Now, these two men aren't quite the type to bang on ones door and demand the return of a hair accessory. So you might be wondering why they are doing just that...

…

"Open up you dancing freak!" Xiahou Dun growled, and he pounded on the smooth wooden door for the fiftieth time that day. Cao Pi was standing behind him, his arms crossed, and a scowl upon his flawless features.

"But my lords!" a high-pitched voice answered from inside, "I need it!"

"Open the door!" Cao Pi ordered in a high, commanding voice, "Or we shall break it down."

"Ah, but my lords!" the annoyingly feminine voice answered, "That would be most ungraceful!"

"You can grade the grace of my foot going down your flower lined throat!" Xiahou Dun growled, slamming his foot repeatedly into the door that had been holding up for a surprisingly long period of time.

"That would be ridiculous my dear general!" answered the voice from the opposite side of the door, "There are no flowers round my neck! And I dare say your foot would not fit-"

"Ha!" Xiahou Dun huffed as the door banged open and collided with the wall with a loud crash. Cao Pi strode past the one-eyed general, and he seized the neck of Zhang He's shirt before the butterfly warrior could duck away.

"Where is it?" the heir of Wei hissed, glancing at Zhang He's empty hands before scanning the room for a sight of the blue piece of jewelry that was causing all this trouble.

"My my Master Cao Pi," Zhang He crooned, not fazed at all by the fact that the man's powerful hands were so close to his throat, "I'm surprised you would bend to your wife's will so easily."

"You know it's her birthday," Cao Pi bristled, "I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't, now where is it?"

The object of value here was, of course, that blue hair accessory that Zhen Ji was so fond of. The one she rode into every battle with and kept in a spotless glass case protected by one guard on the off chance she wasn't wearing it.

"I'm sorry my lord," Zhang He's face turned tragic, "But I am afraid I can not return it. You see, it goes so beautifully with my new robe. Ahhh... the beauty of it astonishes even me..."

"Wipe that look off your face," Xiahou Dun barked, "You're not sorry at all!"

"Why are you here general?" Zhang He tilted his head with some difficulty, seeing as Cao Pi still had a hold on his clothes,"Surely you have better things to do then chase around a simple hair piece? Even if it is as extraordinary as this one..."

Xiahou Dun scowled, but did not reply. Zhang He's lips twitched up into a smirk that faded as Cao Pi dragged him toward the purple cushioned chair in the corner of the room.

"May I inquire as to what you are doing my lord?" the butterfly warrior asked as Cao Pi dropped him into the chair and began searching the room, "You will not find it. I have hidden it well!"

"You sound so proud," Cao Pi answered, a small smile spreading across his face when he found what he was looking for.

"What are you-!" but Zhang He was cut off as Cao Pi turned and rushed at him, brown material in his out stretched hands. Within seconds, a struggling Zhang He was tied to his own chair by his own rope.

"Rope?" Xiahou Dun stared at the tied up butterfly then looked at his lord, "In a bedroom?"

"I was using it to make you a belt, dear general!" Zhang He sang, still struggling, "It is so pretty too...I'll show you when I finish! You will absolutely adore it!"

"Eh..." Xiahou Dun turned to Cao Pi who was now rummaging through draws and dressers, now trying to find his wife's hairpiece.

"No wonder there are budget problems," the heir of Wei hissed, "How many outfits do you have!"

"I know money can not buy beauty, but," Zhang He sighed longingly, "It can help it."

"Is this a woman's dress?" Xiahou Dun demanded as he came up with a red gown in his search.

"Careful!" Zhang He gasped, "That's pure silk!"

The two untied Wei warriors looked at each other, and then slowly a small light appeared in Cao Pi's eyes and he turned to look back at the purple clad butterfly.

"Zhang He."

"Yes my lord?" the warrior replied with a smile.

"Will you tell me where my wife's hair piece is?"

"I'm sorry my lord. But once again, I must say no," Zhang He smiled sadly, and Xiahou Dun snorted. Cao Pi smooth out his expression, waving Xiahou Dun closer, and the older man leaned down to allow the heir of Wei to whisper in his ear. Xiahou Dun's expression changed from amused to disbelieving then to horror as Cao Pi drew away with a nod.

"You can not be serious my lord!" Xiahou Dun choked, his face as horrified as if he had just seen Wei Yan dancing naked while singing opera.

"I'm dead serious," Cao Pi replied, and he pulled his stunned general into the closet attached to the large bedroom, leaving Zhang He to struggle and stare after them.

The butterfly could hear whispering, swearing, and sometimes even cries of denial coming from the closet, and he tried to edge his chair toward the door, but he hadn't gotten far when the door swung open, and out strode Xiahou Dun...

He was dressed in a pink armor top that exposed his belly, and stretched over his thighs were a pair of black leggings that showed a _bit_ more skin then necessary. Upon his feet were purple, knee high boots that were causing him to cling to the wall for support. But the worst of all was definitely the large, bright green, feather covered hat he wore.

Zhang He stared.

Mouth slowly dropping to form an O.

Eyes alight with horror.

Any other man would have laughed himself urineless and half dead.

But not Zhang He.

Not him.

"My clothes!" he shrieked, "Look at them! AND THAT COLOR SENSE, AHH! SOMEONE STAB MY EYES OUT! PLEASE! END IT ALL!"

Cao Pi followed Cao Cao's general out.

Zhang He gasped with agony.

Cao Pi wore a pair of heels that were at least five inches tall and a glossy orange. In his raven black hair was a mustard yellow hair clip, and around his neck was a dangling monkey necklace. He wore a pair of pink shorts that were pulled up to the point of uncomfortableness, and he had forced on a slightly shorter skirt over them that was a bright banana yellow. Over his chest he had pulled on a long sleeved blouse that had circle lace cuffs, which were a dull white, but the actual shirt color was a disgusting blue and red.

"You got this from the wine you spilled, right?" Cao Pi asked, pointing at the red on 'his' shirt, "That time a certain strategist complimented it?"

Xiahou Dun winked at Zhang He, who had flushed a bright red at the mention of the purple clad strategist.

Cao Pi and Xiahou Dun took a moment to enjoy the discomfort they had caused. Rumors had been flying from mouth to ear everywhere in the entire estate about how the beautiful warrior Zhang He was dogging after the famous Wei strategist, Sima Yi.

Bets had already been placed.

Most were on Zhang He getting out right rejected.

"Now," Cao Pi turned his expression serious and took a step forward, but had to grab onto Zhang He's bedpost to keep his balance.

"Careful!" Zhang He moaned, and Cao Pi smirked, kicking off the shoes and picking one up. He smiled widely at Zhang He before he snapped the heel clean off.

Zhang He screamed.

Xiahou Dun kicked off his own shoes, for he was having difficultly walking, and skipped, literally skipped, over to one of Zhang He's dressers.

Tears were materializing in Zhang He's eyes, and he tried to look away, "your stretching them!"

"I feel ridiculous," Xiahou Dun growled to Cao Pi, his voice too low for Zhang He to hear. The Wei heir winced, "As do I. But it's for her."

"What's this?" Xiahou Dun raised his voice to a higher pitch as he opened the dresser he had reached "Make up?"

The two Wei warriors looked at each other before Cao Pi took a deep breath and reached for a tube of red lipstick.

"Oh look at me!" he sang in a high, bad imitation on Zhang He's voice, "I'm Zhang He! I'm so beautiful with my clothes and makeup!"

The Wei heir began to rub the open tube of lipstick all over his lips and onto his cheeks.

Zhang He gasped, "That's a rare color! Don't waste it!"

Xiahou Dun had found a deep purple color, and he was now smearing it on his mouth, cheeks, and forehead. He then began skipping around the room, batting his eyelashes and shouting, "I'm Zhang He! I'm so beautiful! Look at me twirl!"

Xiahou Dun twirled and almost smashed into one of Zhang He's dressers.

"So...ungraceful," Zhang He choked out, defeat written all over his face.

Cao Pi picked up some mascara and began to write on the walls. He wrote 'beatuy' and 'grace', dotting the words with explanation points and swirls.

"You spelled beauty wrong," Zhang He slumped down in his seat with a groan.

"Oh Sima Yi!" drawled Xiahou Dun, putting his hand to his forehead in a pretend faint, "I love you!"

Zhang He's face burned with color, and he looked at the ground as Cao Pi joined in, playing the role of Sima Yi.

"I am Sima Yi! All smart and stuff! And I hate you because your laugh is not as scary as mine!"

With that Cao Pi pretended to slap Xiahou Dun, who then clapped his hands to his own cheeks, "Oh no! Please Sima Yi! I love you, you gorgeous man!"

Zhang He froze as a familiar scent hit him. It was like a flower's scent mixed with the acidic smell of ink, not really fully describable, yet nice...

The butterfly warrior looked up.

He was the only one to notice the arrival of the real Sima Yi.

"Away with you!" Xiahou Dun boomed, now playing the part of Sima Yi, "I am too angry to love a man like you!"

"Oh please Sima Yi!" Cao Pi cried, taking over the part of Zhang He, his voice cracking with laughter, "You are so gorgeous, just let me hug you!"

The real Sima Yi stood in the doorway, eyebrows raised. He glanced at Zhang He, who avoided his gaze, his face so red it looked like a tomato.

"Will you love me if I give you lipstick?" Cao Pi sang, smashing a fresh tube of lipstick into Xiahou Dun's face and rubbing it around until the warrior's face was nearly covered in a dark pink.

Zhang He saw the real Sima Yi move out of the corner of his eye, and the butterfly looked up to see that Sima Yi was now standing beside him.

The strategist laid a hand on the back of Zhang He's head, and the beautiful warrior's nerves edged toward the hyperventilation point. Sima Yi's hand reached down and closed around a piece of lace protruding from the back of Zhang He's top. The Wei strategist pulled it and out slid the stolen hair accessory.

Zhang He stared as Sima Yi drew back with the hairpiece in his gloved hands.

"I hate you!" Cao Pi cried in a dramatic voice as he retook the role of Sima Yi, and he swept back an arm, turning his nose away from Xiahou Dun who gasped, "Say it isn't so!"

Sima Yi smiled at Zhang He before he turned to face the two brightly clothed warriors of Wei. The strategist's smile slid into a smirk, and he cleared his throat loudly.

Xiahou Dun and Cao Pi froze.

They slowly turned their heads to look at Sima Yi whose eyebrows were arched again.

"Ha Ha," Cao Pi laughed nervously, "Um...This...Hello."

"This is what you came for, correct?" Sima Yi asked with an amused note in his voice. He held out Zhen Ji's prized possession, and Cao Pi nodded awkwardly.

"Then I suggest you go return it to her," Sima Yi smirked. Cao Pi reached for it, but Sima Yi pulled it back.

"Perhaps after you change, my lord?"

"Right," Xiahou Dun said, shuffling into the closet with a highly embarrassed Cao Pi behind him.

Zhang He shifted in the chair he was still tied to, but Sima Yi didn't look at him. Instead, the Wei strategist turned to lean against the wall, staring at the closed closet door.

After a minute or so, the two Wei warriors returned, the worst of the make up wiped from their faces, and their regular clothes back on.

Sima Yi's smirk grew more pronounced when Cao Pi looked at the floor and muttered, "Please don't mention this to anyone."

"Of course not my lord. Under one condition," The snake smooth strategist responded, and Cao Pi's head snapped up.

"You," Sima Yi stepped forward, handing the heir of Wei his wife's hair accessory "Stay out of my love life."

Zhang He's face was practically on fire as, with one swipe, Sima Yi's claws sliced through the ropes holding him. The butterfly mumbled a word of thanks as the strategist pulled him up, too embarrassed to meet his gaze.

Cao Pi and Xiahou Dun looked at one another before they left the brightly colored room, wiping away the small dots of lipstick still on their faces as they went.

...

_**I hoped you liked this little creation, and I'd like to take a moment to say that I actually love all four of these characters and all of their aspects. I was just having a bit of fun with them! Please R&R!**_


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